Note: This article was originally written for my college’s informal school newspaper, Frankly Speaking as a follow-up to my previous articles on the shape of the Earth. I’m republishing it here in a slightly modified form.
Hello, Olin. I write to you now from The City of Good Airs, the capital of a faraway country in the Southern Annulus called Silverland. My path here has been treacherous, requiring me to cross that impenetrable band of intense solar radiation, the Scorch, or the Equator as some call it. I believe my decades spent living next to it may have granted me an immunity to its deadly rays, as the crossing passed without incident, save the six month time warp. It is a strange land, this “aɾxentina”, where people speak a foreign dialect of Latin called “espaɲol” and drink carbonated water. Now that I have reached this untamed frontier that few humans have seen, as is customary of those who study abroad, I shall share with you some of the incredible truths that have come to light during my journey thus far.
The Earth is round.
I know how that sounds, but I’m completely serious. I have taken careful celestial observations both north and south of the Equator, and I have reached the undeniable conclusion that my orientation with respect to the stars has changed dramatically, and that the surface on which we stand rotates once each day. My observations of the celestial sphere here have not only thoroughly contradicted the well-known Planar Earth Model, but have matched the phenomena of the “Southern Hemisphere” that government agents describe as evidence for their Round Earth with astounding precision. Chilling precision.
Think about it. How would the US have known the exact rate at which the southern celestial south pole rotates? How would they have known that it were summer here? How were they able to set up their embassy facade in this city? The US has never held any territories in the Southern Hemisphere, and everyone knows that lizards are cold-blooded, so the Reptilluminati can’t have ventured out here to see this first-hand. The facts just don’t line up. Clearly, something is afoot. And I think I know what it is.
What are the biggest countries purportedly in the Southern Hemisphere? The Malvinas, Argentina, Rhodesia, and South Africa. The United States purportedly has an embassy at one, has two embassies indirectly at two via the UK embassy and the Zimbabwe embassy, respectively, and also has an embassy directly at the last. One, two, and one. One, one, and two. Fibonacci numbers. Auspicious. And check out what the initials of those countries spell out. I always thought that there was something fishy about the Antarctic Treaty. It prohibits anyone from setting foot on an entire continent, yet most people have never even heard of it.
That’s because Earth is on Mars.
It is very important that we not alert the US government, as they would be sure to retaliate were they to know that we had unearthed (unmarsed) their greatest lie yet, one that not the most recognised of conspiracy investigators have discovered. The Earth is a globe, resting on the Martian surface. They don’t patrol Antarctic waters with an invisible multinational navy and engage in land wars over seemingly useless archipelagos because the South Pole doesn’t exist. They do it because anyone who tried to reach the South Pole would hit their head on Mars. They don’t send probes to The Red Planet to learn about it or to make money, but to search for methods that we might escape from this gravitational prison. This also explains the fake Mars that the NASA has in the night sky. Everyone knows that planets are supposed to have retrograde motion, but Fake Mars just constantly circles east to west once per day. It’s obviously a hologram.
It is unclear whether Earth has always been on Mars or if we have only recently landed here, though if the latter is true, the landing was almost certainly orchestrated as part of the government’s nefarious plot. I have also not yet determined the motivation for this particular cover-up, though it almost definitely has to do with money. More investigation is definitely necessary, and I will likely know more after the personal chat with the Prime Minister of Argentina in a platinum bunker full of krypton that I have planned. I encourage all of you to investigate for yourselves. You can examine Fake Mars for any clues as to our precise location on the real Mars’s surface, harass NASA officials online or in person, or participate in that new satellite class with Chris Lee and design a satellite to try to detect Mars’s surface.
In conclusion, I have conceded to change my world-view from a flat one to a round one because that’s what real thinkers do. We actually look at the world around us and, when what we see doesn’t match up with what we expect, we change our minds to explain. We don’t just blindly hold onto crackpot theories like evolution and gravity and grapefruits just because we’re too afraid to see the truth. This is what differentiates us from mindless Science believers. And this is what has enabled me to make the proletariat’s greatest discovery of our time. They’re not just lying to us about the shape of our planet. They’re lying to us about which planet we’re on. This madness needs to stop. Wake up, broomans! Rise against, shoaliners! The Man has gone too far this time! Tune into your conch shells, because the revolution is coming. Date: soon, and location: Mars.